Another loss

I wish that I never had to say this but we've lost our precious little Stonewall. My heart is broken and I don't think it is ever going to heal. I know there are those who will think me foolish to feel this way but Stonewall was my baby. In many ways he was a child to me. Where I went he went; up the stairs, down the stairs, to the bathroom to the kitchen and as I played on the computer he was at my feet. In fact, he always wanted to sit with his butt on my foot; I think it was his security. Over the years I've come to just know he was there and expect it. I can't tell you how lonely this house is without him. And Harley is just as lost as can be. We really don't know how to help Harley. I with I could speak dog for him. Can you imagine having such a close friend most of your life and suddenly there is no one like you there at all. Stonewall's death seemed to come out of the blue to me. Only 9 years old, we expected to have him at least five more years. But--- looking back he was really slowing down. He didn't want to go up the steps to the bedroom unless he was sure I was staying up there. So he would stand with his feet on the bottom step and look up at me as if to say, "Are you staying up there because I'm not putting forth the effort to get up the steps if you're not." He had had skin lesions for years. They would come during the fall and spring really badly. Allergies were the basis but the vet said his immune system just couldn't keep those staph bugs at bay for some reason. Last year it was determined that he was hypothyroid and thyroid supplements were supposed to make him more able to fight off the staph. It did not. His skin was so bad and he would just cry with the itching. Sometimes he would wake me at night crying and rubbing his face on the floor. So, we took him to the vet to get something so that the lesions would at least get to a point so we could do a little RVing. The vet gave him Atopica which is cyclosporine. Cyclosporine is used in humans to suppress the immune system and prevent organ rejection in transplant patients. Powerful stuff and I wasn't comfortable with giving it to him. Sure enough, he started vomiting after about a week to 10 days on the medicine. Back to the vet. Stoney's liver enzymes were elevated so the vet stopped the medicine and he did a little better. The vet also had us bring him in to test for Cushings' Disease which sometimes causes lots of the same symptoms Stoney had including the elevated liver enzymes. He did not have Cushings' and so the doctor sent him home and started the Atopica again at half the dose along with Amoxicillin and Metronidazole. I wasn't comfortable with the metronidazole because I've seen Stoney not cope well with it before but the vet assured me it wasn't Stoney's problem. On Wednesay before the 4th of July, Stoney was too weak to go outside. So we took him to the vet again. Dr. F assured me he wasn't sick enough to die though he did have an enlarged heart and we were going to have to deal with heart failure as the years went on. I was so sure Stoney was going to bounce back that I didn't go see him on Thursday; he had been sick with similar symptoms before and bounced back after a couple of days at the vets. Called to see how he was and the office said to call back on Friday morning and Stoney could probably go home. I waited until Friday about 1PM to go see him expecting fully to take him home. The doctor was surprised when I showed him the yellowing in Stoney's eyes. Of course, he was not coming home. At 10:30PM the Dr. called and prepared me that Stonewall was very likely not to make it through the night. I prayed harder for that dog than I think I've ever prayed for anything before including my children and parents. I even asked God to take me instead of Stoney. He was just so innocent and depended on me to keep him safe I just didn't think I could stand it if he died. The next morning the Dr. said he was a little better and I went to see him. I sat all day with him on Saturday. He would vomit and I'd clean him up. Then he would settle down as near to me as he could get and sleep. His gums were nearly glowing they were so yellow. The next day, Sunday, July 4th he was alive and stable! We all thought he had weathered the storm but Dr. F said he couldn't say he was out of the woods yet. Stoney's chances at that point of 65 to 35 in our favor. We spent a long day with Stoney sitting on the front porch of the vet's office on that day. Stoney's face just looked better; more alert and interactive with us. Even Dr. F said he looked better but still had a way to go. We left Stoney that afternoon with high spirits that he would be home by Wednesday. After three days of worry and stress we were feeling confident that Stoney would be well soon. But the next morning as I was drying my hair to get dressed and go sit with Stoney, Pop came in crying and I knew from the look on his face that we had lost our precious, precious Stoney.

Though I started this post some time back it has taken me six week to be able to make this post. I've cried for Stoney everyday and I don't see that ending soon. It was so sudden and for me there is so much question as to the cause of his death, I just can't come to terms with it. I'm a person who needs to understand the "why" of a situation in order to accept it and the answer to that question is not for me to know---for sure. Pancreatitis was the diagnosis and for sure he had that but why. Was it the food we gave him, the medicine he was taking, or did he have a tumor? I'll never know for sure. One thing I do know that haunts me is that Stoney died in a kennel cage (which he HATED) and alone and for that I'll always feel guilty. He deserved better.